Grab a cup of coffee ... I'm goin' deep.

2009 ... wow.  Unbelievable really.  Why does it still feel like the 90's ... early 90's, that is?  A new year ... a fresh start?  Resolutions and all?  What are my resolutions?  For some reason I feel like I've been haunted all week {yes, while on vacation}.

I don't want to apologize, but at the same time, I know some of this may be far-fetched for some of my readers {yes, I actually have readers ... we've come a long way since the time of just four readers!}  :)


I've been feeling a real pull of my heart, mind, thoughts between Satan and God.  The Lord has been challenging me {geesh, here come the tears ...}, really challenging me.  And in those weak times, Satan has been trying to pull me down.  I. will. not. let him win!

Okay, and this post may not be very articulate, because it's just a jumbled mess of feelings and thoughts inside me right now, but I felt it was time to try to let them out.

I'm all kinds of a mess about selling the store.  I absolutely know it's the right thing for me to do at this point in my life.  But my word, it's not been easy.

Don't get me wrong though, I actually have buyers lined up interested in the place ... that's an awesome thing ... and thank you God.  {tears again ...}  It's just that it's going to be unbelievably hard when it happens.  I'm thinking I'll be crying for days ... weeks even?  Please send me flowers!  :)

I've had a retail consultant come in and evaluate my business.  There were great suggestions and great possibilities given in their report.  It makes me excited to keep it.  Should I keep it?  That thought is looming out there in the back of my mind. 

No {support me here}, no ... I should not keep it.   I know that it's Satan {and my pride}, because I know that God has told me it's time to sell.  He's blessed me with an awesome business and now it's time to let it go.

There seem to be some other stressful obstacles being thrown my way and I'm doing my best to pray through them ... keep my eyes on the goal ... and breathe ... deeply.

Back to resolution time ... man, you guys are patient with me!

Curt asked me this morning what my resolutions are, I started to tell him when he told me he has one for business, health, family, himself ... and I think that's a fabulous idea!  Hmmm, but that will cause a bit more {stressful} thinking from me.

Poor man, and poor waiters ... the other night, we had Taylor watch the girls {actually, they all prefer room service anyway}, while Curt and I went to dinner ... I was an absolute bundle of tears telling him everything that's been on my mind.  He patiently listened and tried to help me through a variety of 'issues' I'm trying to get through.

Okay, after all this rambling ... my number one resolution is to stop being so gosh darn busy doing 'stuff.'

"Play with me mom."  "Sure, as soon as this 'stuff' is done."
"Come to bed."  "Sure, as soon as this 'stuff' is done."
"Let's go to the waterpark this weekend."  "Sure, as soon as this 'stuff' is done."
"Can we go to lunch today?"  "Sure, as soon as this 'stuff' is done."
"Watch a movie with me mom."  "Sure, as soon as this 'stuff' is done."
"Read me a book."  "Sure, as soon as this 'stuff' is done."

I am not the person I want to be.  Know why?  I have too much 'stuff' to do.  But I've decided, I'm tired of doing 'stuff.'  God is tired of me doing 'stuff.'  My children are tired of me doing 'stuff.'  And my husband is tired of me doing 'stuff.'

Taylor, the other night, said she doesn't remember me playing with her when she was little.  Seriously?  That hit hard.  And in my mind as I struggled with, "what about that time, and that time, and that time."  Know what I came up with?  Nothing.

Quite literally, I was too busy doing 'stuff.'  Curt says I'm being too hard on myself.  I don't think so.  I do know I'm a good mom ... at least doing the best I can.  Actually, I take that back ... apparently, I'm not doing the best I can.  Because all of the times I was busy doing 'stuff,' I felt that nudge of guilt.  Knowing I should put the stupid 'stuff' away and go partake in life.

Let's start over ... I know my kids love me.  I know I take care of them.  I know I value them.  And I know my desires in the way I want to raise them.  That seems to qualify as being a 'good mom,' doesn't it?

Another thing ... Taylor said I'm not fun anymore.  She's seen videos of me in my younger days ... pre-children ... and "I used to be so fun and happy, and how come I'm not like that anymore?"  Think it's fair to remind her of that question when she's had four children?  :)

Seriously though ... my joy has been depleted.  Along with my energy, my wakefulness and my brain cells!  And again, I feel like I'm so bogged down with 'stuff' that I can't feel what life has to offer me.

I've always been a woman that needed {note, needed} to feel some kind of worth in what I did.  It wasn't enough to raise four children.  Apparently I wanted to be superwoman.  {I already posted about that, so will save you from hearing about it again}. 

So ... my goals for 2009?

Put down the 'stuff' ... partake in life ... be fully immersed in the everyday, every moment.  Spend more time in God's word, following God's plan.  Spend more time in my children's lives.  Get healthy.  Get joy.  Feel life.


Amy Schaal said...

That was deep and beautiful. I know this has been difficult for you.

Cindy B. said...

Hmmm ... curt is right, you are way too hard on yourself! You put most of us to shame when it comes to someone who is there for her family, friends, business, etc...Hang in there. With the new year, there is always new hope. Happy New Year to you and your family!

terbear said...

you will find your way and your family and friends will be there to support you. I know you always feel like there is something else you should be doing but in the end you should be doing what you what to be doing..does that make sense? anyway...don't beat yourself up so much we all deal with those emotions it is just making the right choices...you will be just fine...love you bunches....