crazy or desperate?

Am I crazy, or just desperate, that I believed my 13 year old daughter when she told me St. Nick was supposed to come Thursday night, not Friday?  And now that she knows it really was Friday night and he came Thursday ... do I need to do any explaining?

Except that I'm crazy.  And, well ... desperate.

Desperate to get my head back in the game.  Desperate to give focus and attention to my family that they deserve.

My head is in not quite a million places ... I don't want to be all drama diva on you, so realistically, let's say my head is in about 50 places right now.  Proof?

WARNING:  TMI {in a major way}, continue reading at your own risk ... I have my period {yeah, that's tmi, but it gets worse}.  The other night we were decorating our tree and I was having the worst ickyish feeling cramps.  When we were done with the tree, I went to take my tampon out {I warned you!!} and realized I had two in.  Two!!  When I had come home from work, I went to change it, but instead just put another one in.  Crazy!

When I tried to explain to my husband that I'm overloaded and not thinking clearly and gave him this very clear example of where my head is at ... he couldn't get past, "are you really that big in there?"  MEN!!

And then there was Friday night.  Curt had the girls out for dinner so I could 'catch up on things' {I'm so tired of my husband having to carry the load so that I can 'catch up on things!' ... but thank you Lord for my awesome husband}.  The store is featured this month {January's issue} in Lucky magazine.

Friday night, I get an email from a woman at the mag that I've been working with, saying that the promo code isn't working.  I freaked out!  Full-on freak out mode!  Problem number one?  I don't recall even entering a promo code!  I'm desperately looking through my contract like a crazy woman for a promo code.  There it is ... luckybreaks6.  Okay, no prob ... I'll just get the code on my website.  Fortunately, it's a web based program, so I have access from home.

Problem number two?  As I'm desperately trying to sort through this all, I'm slowly realizing that my system won't take more than 8 characters.  The code, I must remind you, that is now. in. print., absolutely won't fit with my system.

I immediately call my trusty bwp consultant, Heather {I'm pretty much sobbing at this point ... oh! and close to hyper-ventilating} for advice.  She walks through it with me and we settle for 'luckybre' and make a notation on the shopping cart page what the new code is.

The problem with this?  Now anyone going to our website has a 25% discount.

I can. not. do this anymore.  I can't be the woman who 'does it all.'  And I don't want to be the woman that does it all.  I want to be the mom and wife that my children & husband want me to be.

And I want to be what God designed me to be.  He has blessed me with four amazing children.  And an amazing husband.  I took the long road to get here, and sometimes the wrong road.

But I know God had it mapped out for me for a reason.  And now I am listening.  When I stand before him some day, is he going to tell me how proud he is of me for all I've done with a paper store?  And how I glorified him through all I did with it?

I don't think so.

I want him to tell me what an awesome job I did in raising my children {his children} the way he wanted me to.  And {I'm still praying for this one to happen but,} that through my example, I brought my husband to Christ.

That's what I want to focus on.  And the thing is ... for me ... I'm blessed enough to do this.  I realize not everyone can.  But again, this is the path that God has laid out for me.  I am able.  And so I need to take advantage of that.

I have decided to sell the store.  I have truly decided.  If you know me, you know that I have always said I was going to sell the store.  Seriously, a broken record over here.  But the bottom line is, I never meant it.  I would never sell the store.  It was {and is} my pride and joy.

This time I mean it.

I announced the news to my staff last week.  Everyone seems supportive.  I know it's scary and uncertain, but they understand the many directions I'm being stretched and seem pretty supportive.  Now I just need to find a buyer!  I've talked a bit to Paper Source and am waiting to hear back from them.  And we'll also be listing with a broker soon.

Now that I have made my decision, I absolutely can not wait to get started on this new chapter of my life.

I give thanks to God for holding my hand through all of this.  For talking to me, guiding me, loving me, and for giving me the wisdom and courage I need.

God is good and I am crazy, desperately in love with him.